My mind has just been blown into a million pieces.
‘TWO child free nights?
NO Children at all?
I’m feeling quite light headed as I try and process what I’ve just heard.
‘Do you need to sit down?’ My husband asks, obviously alarmed that I’m muttering ‘TWO LIE-INS? TWO ACTUAL LIE-INS?’ to myself over and over again.
That’s approximately 48 HOURS of time to ourselves? I calculate in disbelief.
‘Yes Lydia! This weekend! It’s all sorted. Your Sister is going to look after them.’
‘Sorry?’ I jolt back to reality with a bang. ‘Ellie is going to look after FOUR children for the whole weekend?’
‘Does she know?’ I ask.
DAY OF HANDOVER
I get woken up by my four-year-old son, millimeters from my face…
‘Do you want to hear my new song Mummy?’
NOOOO. GO AWAY!
Did I shout that out loud? No. He’s still there …
‘There is a Pipe that needs a fixing, a pipe that needs a fixing,
a pipe that needs a fixing, because there is a BLOCKAGE!’
‘Wow, that is a lovely song sweetie.’
It’s far too early to try and understand why he is making up lyrics about plumbing. I hope that my positive parenting will buy me enough time to get at least another half an hour in bed. It doesn’t.
My husband leaves for work. As he closes the front door he casually says…
‘If you could just get the kids and all our stuff packed up I’ll come back at lunch-time. Make sure you’re ready by 12.00ish’
‘Oh and Lydia? ... pack your bikini’.
7 a.m. -9 a.m.
Pack the entire house (the kids are going to Ellie’s for one night)
· Favorite teddy’s
· Clothes for two days … pack enough for four, and be sure to cover all weather possibilities
· Spare clothes … just to be on the safe side
· Toothbrushes & toothpaste
Walk into sitting room to discover that the kids have unpacked the bags and their teddies are now dressed in pajamas and having their teeth brushed.
Eat a (double chocolate) cookie to help with the stress.
Start diet again.
Chuck clothes into a suitcase. Make lunch, whilst skipping and jumping on the spot to burn off calories.
My husband calls to say he’s running late and he’ll pick me up at 5pm. 5pm??!!
*insert hysterical laughter*
Ellie comes to the house. I say my goodbyes to the children.
No tears. YAY!!
And they wave me off energetically. Quite frankly I don’t blame them.
I head to a café to wait for Scott.
Receive a text from Ellie saying that she forgot to bring extra milk and could I grab some before I go? And to leave it by the door so the children don’t see me.
I buy milk and walk back towards the house. I see my daughter through the window and, as she turns towards me, I dive onto the ground and crawl on all fours towards the door; dragging the bag alongside me. I cannot risk being seen.
I haul myself out of view. As I get up I realise I have laddered my brand new tights. I also realise that my neighbour is observing me from her sitting room with what can only be described as a ‘what the fuck is she up to now??’ expression on her face.
Receive a text from Scott saying we are going straight out, no time to get changed, and he is on his way to pick me up.
NO TIME TO GET CHANGED?
Does he have ANY idea how much I need to de-mummy myself to feel even remotely half normal???
Text from my sister.
‘Found the wine with the post-it stuck to it saying “DRINK ME, YOU’LL NEED IT”. I NEED it, so starting now…
JOKE. Thanks, now relax and have fun!’
We are off.
I take a deep breath and tell myself that my sister will be fine. The kids will be fine, it’s all fine.
I have no idea where we are going. Wooohoooo. It’s so exciting!
Where are we going? I hope it’s somewhere nice where we can really make the most of our time alone together! Have a few drinks and stay out as late as we want!!!
We arrive at a beautiful restaurant. I am flattered that my Husband didn’t think I needed to change, but I’m going to kill him.
8.30 p.m. Scott surprises me with spa treatments for the next day! Yaaaaaaaaay! Suspiciously convenient that the golf is on … but woohoo!
I’ve had two glasses of vino and I’m pisssed and I want to go to sleeeeeeep
Oh god shots…
Thanksss god im javing a lieinn tomriieow
12 a.m. – In the hotel room checking out the complimentary products in the bathroom
Oooooh look. Buvvle bath, conditenerr and a shower caaapz…!
DAY 1 OF CHILD-FREE ROMANTIC BREAK
I just about manage to open my eyes enough to see the time on my phone. Arghhhhhhh MY HEAD!!! IT’S 7 IN THE MORNING!!! It can’t be! I shut my eyes again tightly, willing myself to go back to sleep.
As I turn on my side, I hear a rustling noise, I realise with horror that I’m wearing…
THE SHOWER CAP ON MY HEAD.
Adding to my allure is the fact that I have a large clothes tag still attached to my silky night dress, my husband stirs and I turn over with such panic that I fall out of bed…