tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68621723055563700542023-11-16T08:04:32.770-08:00Mama ZenTwo sisters, both mums, a blog and some funny cards.Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-52327659799205648832016-12-20T10:35:00.000-08:002019-11-23T15:34:22.410-08:00Christmas. <span style="background-color: white;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">I plead with my little girl
‘We are going to be late for School. Can you PLEASE for the love of St
Nicholas. EAT YOUR BREAKFAST!’</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">But Mummyyy I’m writing
words with my bwekfast, on the table! Look </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">C.. B.. A spells …</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">CAT!’ My son shouts. </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "segoe ui" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">Seriously?? He’s clearly not
paying attention during his Phonics lessons.</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">‘That is the LAST time I buy
you Alphabites!’</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">Mummy I don’t have any
School shoes cos we left them in daddy’s car’.</span>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">'What?
They are where?!'</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">‘It</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">’s ok!!!! I can wear my
shark slippers!’</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">My phone pings to tell me
I’ve yet another What’s App message from my Sons class group.</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">‘Don’t forget your painted
green cut out hand prints for our Xmas </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">display for the teachers’.</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">I may die of stress.</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">‘Kids quick get the green
paint out! Hurry hurry!’ They can’t believe </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">their ears. My Sons
face lights up. ‘Are we making our Christmas cards like James Mummy did?
Because they must be in TODAY to go in the very special postbox in our class
room?'</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">F*** it. I really need to
look at Parent mail.</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">That also reminds me that I
need to buy Christmas cards (And write them as if my Children did it) …
Arggghhh where is that form I need to sign for the theatre show too? Breeeathe
... </span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">Oh, and I need to get cash
out to hand to the class rep for the teacher present, and pay for the theatre
trip … and buy a present for preschool teachers. Do they have to wear
Christmas jumpers today?!</span>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">Class Rep. I bow down to
your superior organisational skills. This time of year, really doesn’t appeal
to my strengths at all.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">Ping!</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">‘Darling I’m so sorry work
emergency I can't get to Christmas </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Concert this morning xxx</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">I lay my head down on the
kitchen table.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">My kids Christmas concerts
are on at THE SAME TIME in two different places. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">Right which child is my
favourite?</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">Guys?’</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">‘Yes Mummy?’ They answer
sweetly.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; margin: 0px;">‘PLEASE STOP PAINTING MY
HAIR GREEN.’</span></div>
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<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></span></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-48283326366810900812016-03-18T03:47:00.002-07:002019-12-29T01:25:31.808-08:00Mum Flu – the symptoms<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvluFqxLSA6dsa4JseVmluyw84Bj3FdkOvsPSjQBnbJDtdYw7Npraxv7PHdiEts_dMdFU6b9AEPyzqKWKiFYf6Qmov7wtkTuy62RJbzDIqOds5JAT50Ukr48FJy33BYiO3kBRgX1Tcan4X/s1600/i+got+fluuuu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvluFqxLSA6dsa4JseVmluyw84Bj3FdkOvsPSjQBnbJDtdYw7Npraxv7PHdiEts_dMdFU6b9AEPyzqKWKiFYf6Qmov7wtkTuy62RJbzDIqOds5JAT50Ukr48FJy33BYiO3kBRgX1Tcan4X/s320/i+got+fluuuu.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">WHEN WILL IT HIT?</span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">Signs of impending <b><i>Mum Flu</i></b> are often missed, but it
usually strikes shortly after an illness has immobilised the rest of your
family. The symptoms will develop slowly, allowing you to function normally and
enabling you to nurse them through the acute sickness that has rendered them
incapable of all but the most basic functions. Mum Flu can be expected to
attack just at the moment your children regain full energy levels.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">APPETITE</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">In normal cases of
influenza, and indeed the far more serious ‘man-flu’, a loss of appetite is to
be expected. This is not the case with Mum Flu. Appetite and an almost
pathological craving for sugar will increase and, despite your throat feeling
like it is made from razor blades, do not be surprised to find that you eat
more than ever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">YOU WILL STILL LOOK
EXHAUSTED</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">Your appearance
will not change. You always look like shit anyway. It is quite likely that members
of your immediate family will probably not notice that you are ill at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">THE SHIVERS</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">You may assume it
is withdrawal from caffeine that causes these symptoms, but this is your bodies
reaction to your body temperature rising. You are ill.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">EMOTIONAL SYMPTOMS</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">Expect to feel
overwhelmed with self-pity. Do not be surprised if the smallest amount of
sympathy that comes your way results in uncontrollable floods of tears. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 19px;">(my apologies to
the pharmacist in Boots!)</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">RECOVERY</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">You will have
exactly 12 minutes from when you first show symptoms of illness to the point at
which you will be expected to make a full recovery. Remember, children and
husbands have needs that take priority over your own fragile state. You will
find this is in your job description.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">TREATMENT<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #ff0066; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt;">A swig of Calpol
and a double-dose Berocca should just about get you through until lunchtime …
at which point you will have lost the will to live and turned to wine anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-4736015361259178402016-02-22T11:46:00.000-08:002016-03-11T07:55:40.168-08:00Soft Play<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_56cb636b5707d9324556544">
<span style="font-size: large;">I scan the Soft Play area for the fifth time. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Where the hell is he?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">'It’s ok. He can’t have gone far.’ I tell myself, trying not to panic.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">What WERE we thinking?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Soft Play ...</span><br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
<span style="font-size: large;">On a rainy day ...</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The weekend before half term!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Finally; I spot him emerging from 'the ball pit'. He looks red faced and upset and rushes over to me, desperate to tell me something, he’s in such a state he can barely get the words out.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">'I got stuck in the tunnel slide.' He gasps 'I was in there for ages! One of the bigger Children got me out.' He looks visibly upset.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">‘Oh my darling!’ I cry! Pulling him towards me for a reassuring hug. ‘Are you ok? Maybe you should have a bit of a sit down for a while.’ I guide him towards a chair.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">‘Yes. I think I need one. It’s a fucking nightmare in there!’</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">My husband falls back into the chair and tries to get his breath back.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">‘I’ll go in and find the Children then.' I say apprehensively. 'Wish me luck.’</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">'You'll need more then luck. It’s like Ninja Warrior Uk in there.'</span><b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-67955842508874097462016-01-20T07:27:00.001-08:002016-01-26T02:59:19.611-08:00New Year's Resolutions: Part 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></u><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">To Learn
Something New/Evening Course <o:p></o:p></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">(AKA Get my
husband home early to do the bedtime routine) <s><o:p></o:p></s></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I’m flicking
through the college brochure and reading out the options to my husband, who is
nodding supportively at all my suggestions. It’s only when he shouts, ‘YESSS!
GET IN!!’ when I ask him if I should do an over fifties fitness course (I am
struggling with fitness aimed at people in their thirties), that I realise he’s
not listening to anything I’m saying. He is, in actual fact, watching a ‘Top
Gear Challenge.’<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘What about
Pole Dancing?’ I’m ACTUALLY looking at a knitting course. Equally as unlikely.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘SORRY.
WHAT??!!!’ he reacts predictably.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘I thought
that would get your attention!’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I dismiss an
Art Class (I’m still at stick man level of drawing). Textiles and Cake
Decorating? Who has time for that? <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">And then I
spot ‘Creative Writing’.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">YES! That’s
it! I can totally visualise myself as a successful author. I shall transform
myself from a ‘blogger’ into a Creative Writing Literacy Genius in just eight
weeks! <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I shall sign
up for the course immediately. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">=====<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I walk into
a grey, claustrophobic room filled with intellectual looking writer types.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one is talking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was a BIG mistake. I sit in the only
chair not already taken. It’s right at the front of the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look around nervously. WHY OH WHY didn’t I
just give up alcohol like everybody else? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Welcome! Let’s learn a little bit
about each other shall we? (I die a little inside) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I’ll go
around the room. Please tell everyone your name, a bit about yourself and the
last book you really enjoyed. Let’s start with you on the end.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I breathe a
big sigh of relief as she gestures towards a man sitting on the opposite side
of the room. This has bought me a few precious minutes to delve into the depths
of my tired brain and extract an impressive sounding title, but I can’t think
of a single book, impressive or otherwise. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Oh Fuckety
Fuck! It’s nearly my turn. My empty mind goes blanker still as I hear someone
introduce themselves as a screen-writer, whose favorite book is by a Russian
surrealist with an unpronounceable name.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">It appears I’m
next as the whole room is smiling encouragingly at me. P-A-N-I-C!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘My name is
erm … err … mm …’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">The tutor
glances down at a piece of paper on her desk. ‘Lydia??’ she offers, helpfully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Oh yes!
Hahaha, that is indeed my name.’ I then turn my increasingly red face towards
the woman sitting next to me and cross my arms defensively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m hoping that my body language is speaking
for me and the teacher will move on to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She doesn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘So Lydia,
please tell everyone the name of a book that you’ve really lost yourself in.
One that really inspired you?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I say the
first thing that comes into my head … ‘The Gruffalo?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I here
several sniggers, and then the room goes silent. This is worse than School.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">The rest of
the class doesn’t improve, and as an exercise we are given the word ‘Hello’ and
told to ‘write’ for ten minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I have already decided that creative
writing is not for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a much
more achievable goal in mind, starting with reading a book. Anything, just as
long as it’s not Grazia. Or the Gruffalo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">With this in
mind I spend the exercise doodling, looking at the clock and writing nonsense,
assuming that we will be keeping it to ourselves. Or handing it in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I was wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Right! Let’s
start on this side of the room this time! Lydia? Please read it out to the rest
of the class.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Oh my good
God. NO!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘I really
don’t think you would want, erm, I mean I haven’t written very much …’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘I know it’s difficult to be the
first, but have faith in your creativity and enjoy the process ... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Please?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘I really
can’t, I mean I…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Come on
now, we are all in here to learn.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Right then. Here goes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I
tentatively start to read, trying to ignore everyone else in the room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if
after all these years you’d like to meet to go over everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They say that time’s supposed to heal you,
but I haven’t done much healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hello?
Can you hear me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m in <s>Calif</s> ...
Twickenham? Dreaming about who we used to be…’<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I grimace
and wait for the laughter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Wow! That
was really beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Thank you Adele’, I mutter under my
breath. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Everyone
nods and smiles in agreement. Except for one woman, who looks like she is
desperately trying to remember something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Luckily they
move on to someone else before she busts me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I get the
hell out of there as soon as I possibly can. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">So, eight-week
Creative Writing Course? DONE <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Right,
what’s next on the list?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;">
</span></span></span><br />
<u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span></span></u><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">
</span><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">
</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-42688669947218978802016-01-08T06:22:00.000-08:002016-01-26T02:58:59.758-08:00New Years Resolutions: Part 1<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></u></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Get
Fit<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Seven
… Eight ... Nine … <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Well done ladies! You are half way through the sit ups.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Come on Mummy you can dooo itttt!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘It might be easier, my darling, if you weren’t. Jumping.
Up. And. Down. On. My ... arghhhh ... STOMACH!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘You’re like a bouncy castle Mummy,’ my daughter giggles
before she lands on me again. With both elbows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I am about to engage in the pointless exercise of trying
to explain to a two and half year-old what demoralizing means, but I can’t get
the words out. Or breathe for that matter. I contemplate requesting an
ambulance as I reflect on the advertising that sold the class to me in the
first place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Bring your children.’ IT SAID<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘A relaxing and fun atmosphere.’ IT SAID<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘A really great workout.’ IT SAID<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">I survey the room of Mums
lying on the floor, one of whom has her baby lying on her chest and I think
might have actually fallen asleep. The woman next to her has a random Cheerio
stuck to her face. Her son is kneeling next to her and she is feeding him a
raisin after each sit up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">I silently shout at the room, ‘WHY ARE WE DONG THIS TO OURSELVES!!!
WHY?! I ASK YOU!!?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Right everybody!!’ The woman with the impossibly tiny
waist shouts above the noise of all the children in the room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Time for a tea break?’ I ask, hopefully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Ignoring
me, she launches into a combination of lunges, kicks and boxing moves that
would put the Ninja Turtles to shame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I, on the other hand, narrowly miss kicking my son in
the head. And he was looking so cute beside me trying to follow the
instructor’s moves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Following
years of toddler song and dance groups he assumes he will get a broken biscuit
and some juice for his efforts, and demands one as soon as the reps are finished.
I sprint to the buggy to get him a biscuit, hurdling several babies and
toddlers on the way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I
get back. He wants juice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I run back to get the juice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Mummy!
I want a drink too,’ my daughter cries.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I continue to race back and forth to the buggy for tissues.
And crisps. And raisins. And toys ...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘OK ladies. That’s your 5-minute rest break over.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Over?! I collapse in a breathless heap on the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Are you ok?’ The instructor asks, standing over me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Totally,’ I gasp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Are you eating a biscuit?’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She asks, astonished.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Mmmm. No?’ I mumble.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">She looks at me suspiciously and then strides back to
the front of the hall on her ridiculously toned Amazonian legs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘We are going to do a ten-minute jog and then move onto
a series of floor exercises,’ she says. ‘Sadist,’ I mutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Everyone in the class runs from one end of the hall to the other. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt;">Out of
the corner of my eye I spot my Lil Man snatch some Pom Bear crisps from a
smaller child. He freezes when he realizes he’s been busted, then legs it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I
chase after him, but the little bugger is fast. He weaves in and out of the other
Mums. I make a mental note – maybe that Sunday morning rugby club is paying off
after all!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">One of the mums is jogging with her daughter clinging resiliently
to her ankle. I have serious respect for this lady.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">My boy is now leaving a trail of Pom Bears in his wake.
My daughter is running along behind him, eating them off the floor. I am out of
breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Hindered
by two weeks of festive over-indulgence it takes me a while, but I finally
catch up with my little rascal, snatch the crisps back from him (whilst telling
him off for snatching) and return them to the, by now, seriously pissed off
toddler.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">With a child under each arm, I do a final lap of shame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Right! Well done ladies. That’s the warm up over.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">WTF?!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Now we are going to go into our plank positions’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">KILL.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">ME.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">NOW.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I
think quickly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Sorry princess? What did you say? Not now surely?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘I didn’t say anything Mummy’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Shhhhhhh,’ I whisper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘You are really desperate for the toilet?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I sigh loudly and dramatically, ‘We had better go then.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘But I don’t need the toilet’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "rockwell nova" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Oh yes you do!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-44244312884326357492015-12-24T01:09:00.001-08:002016-01-08T10:24:09.904-08:00"I panic bought Christmas"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s the
week before Christmas, so far I have consumed 4 glasses (or bottles I can’t
remember) of red wine, 8 mince pies, 1 chocolate selection box (today), 36 pounds in chocolate coins. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
cancelled Christmas 4 times, and I have spent approx. 100,000 pounds. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are
heading back home after a quick trip to Painsburys Local.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Dashing down the road… with one
burst buggy tire. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Over the crossing we go… kids crying
all the way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, jingle bells … this is hell ...
jingle all the way ...<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, what fun it is to push this
stupid ffff …’<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘It’s
ANOTHER delivery!’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My son stops crying
and shouts excitedly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I take a
deep breath, the fifth box to arrive today.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Mummy? Why
are you buying so many boxes? Can I play with this one?’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘No
sweetheart, this one is full of erm … vegetables?’ He looks at me suspiciously and
follows his little sister into the house, to inform her she is getting
vegetables for Christmas, she looks understandably disappointed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I step over
the package to get into the hallway ‘Don’t panic’ I tell myself, it’s Christmas
next week. I had to get on with it!'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I reach into
my coat pocket, take out another chocolate coin and sit down by the front door,
scanning the street for more delivery vans. I call my Sister on my mobile.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She picks up
‘Hello?’ The line is a bit crackly ‘Ellie? Where are you?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘I’m sitting
on the floor of The Entertainer’ she says matter of factly as if this is a totally
normal activity on a Thursday afternoon.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Err ok, any
particular reason?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘I can’t
cope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m on the floor of the remote
control car section’ she sighs. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Right’ I
say trying not to laugh as I fear this might push me over the edge into
hysteria.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘I panic
bought Christmas Ellie’.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Oh god
...I’ll have to call you back Lydia, someone who works here is kneeling beside
me trying to help me with my indecision, he’s waiting! …. Click’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I eat
several more Chocolate coins whilst I wait for her to call me back.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I answer my
phone ‘Ellie? Can you hear me?’ KIDS CAN YOU PLEASE STOP JUMPING ON THE SOFA!’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Lydia? Are
you there?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t really talk I’ve just
left the bloody shop with a million bags cutting off the circulation in my
hands, and I need to lie down in a dark room...’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">'Yes, I’m
here! I’m just trying to ...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WILL YOU BOTH
JUST CALM DOWN! DON’T MAKE ME COUNT TO THREE … So yesterday the cashier woman
in ‘Boots’ asked me if I was all prepared for Christmas… ONE …to which I
nervously laughed ‘No! I haven’t actually bought any presents yet.’…TWO… She
just looked at me, then at the Children in the buggy and said…THREE… “you had
better get on with it before they sell out of everything” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘THAT’S IT! CHRISTMAS
IS CANCELLED!’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Again
Mummy?’ My daughter asks innocently.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘YES AGAIN!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Sorry!
Where was I? Oh yes, so I panicked and I think I have broken Amazon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ellie? ELLIIIE!!? Stop laughing at me! This is
serious. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>According to Kirstie Allsopp I
should be <span style="color: black;">crocheting around the cord of my Christmas
tree lights, and completing the roof of my gingerbread house NOT sitting on the
floor of my hallway, having a meltdown because ... oh god I think I see another
delivery van!<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Crocheting
around the what? …'<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Exactly!!
...Hang on Ellie’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘MUMMMMMMY?
‘<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘I’ll
call you back…click’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Yes
darling?’ I say to my Lil man who is wearing a reindeer onesie from last year,
that is so tight he can barely move his arms.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Can
you tell Santa that I really don’t want the Play Mobil Fire station anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want a paw patrol lookout’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Are
you serious?!’ I say through gritted teeth.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘And
a remote controlled car.’ He continues <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Just
a second Daddy is calling’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Hello?’
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Hi,
how’s it going?'<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Well
I’m a little bit stressed actually.’ I say this in an over-breezy fashion that
implies I’m somewhat unhinged.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Why?’
he asks nervously. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Your
daughter was sick all over me this morning’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘That’s
not good.’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Nope’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘The
house looks as if it’s been burgled.’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Standard’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘The children wont stop arguing! Wait till they are old enough to play together .. they said! It will get so much easier ..they said! Oh
and I ordered a lot of presents on Amazon last night and I’m not really sure
who to give what. Oh and the stocking presents are uneven.’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Uneven?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Yes!
One of them has 12 and the other has 15' I’m aware that my voice is sounding
increasingly hysterical but I’m on a roll.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Listen
Lydia just relax it will all get sorted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have to go now; I’ve got another call!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘OH REALLLLLLY?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So
I have to buy stocking fillers for my children, presents for 4 brothers, 1
Sister, a Sister -in -law, Dad, Step-Mum, Mum, Aunties, Dad, Uncles,
Grandmother, in-laws, main presents for kids, Father Christmas presents, all
the selection boxes for friend’s kids (Which I keep eating… due to stress of
course) and my neighbor’s bottles of wine ALL with my little cherubs in tow and
my DARLING husband has to buy presents for whom?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Before
you go can I just ask? Who do YOU need to buy for?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Just
you my darling!’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I
mumble something about Kirstie Allsopp not having to put up with this shit and
hang up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My
phone rings again, it’s a friend of mine, my children are engrossed in Cbeebies
so I take this opportunity to answer.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Hi
Lydia, sorry I didn’t call you back yesterday but I was wrapping Christmas
presents, I didn’t realize how many I had bought as I started buying them in
September! It took me so long I nearly burnt my Christmas tree peanut butter
blossoms …’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Click.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Lydia?
Are you still there?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-75366480762794839532015-11-27T05:23:00.000-08:002015-11-27T05:32:20.505-08:00Dear Board Of Parenting <br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkYGY8r5GW9iGppccMsYuEWKfwDhFzb-TSeFZ7-UitPCJREZJzzaU4ALNQKPTgxhRo7TUCGHHdYmms_KtROlVsBSyqrKvw1JcWz0dJUWnk2-yU08mEh7W8VFYp8PCk6U8ks75mM4c5UJhD/s1600/001+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkYGY8r5GW9iGppccMsYuEWKfwDhFzb-TSeFZ7-UitPCJREZJzzaU4ALNQKPTgxhRo7TUCGHHdYmms_KtROlVsBSyqrKvw1JcWz0dJUWnk2-yU08mEh7W8VFYp8PCk6U8ks75mM4c5UJhD/s320/001+%25281%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Dear Board of Parenting,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Having held my current position for 4 years now, I feel
the time has come to lodge a formal complaint regarding several aspects of the placement
which were misrepresented to me upon my appointment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">The job description was extremely misleading and did
not fully reflect the level of domestic duties that would be expected of me.
Furthermore, it is my belief that I was not offered sufficient training to
support the transition from my previous roles as ‘single’ and ‘living at home
with my mother’ into ‘full time parent’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Upon reflection I am of the opinion that a number of
my current duties could be sub-contracted to maximize efficiency in the
workplace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Cleaning<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Food shopping <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Budgeting<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Cooking<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Potty training <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "symbol"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Mopping<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Hoovering<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Laundry<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">(It is my view that the last of these actually requires
its own full time manager.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">In addition, my ‘uniform’ in no way resembles the
‘Yummy Mummy’ look that I was led to believe would be provided for me as
standard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My basic consignment of one
pair of ‘skinny’ jeans, two pairs of black leggings and three Mumsy jumpers,
whilst practical, do not match the high levels set by some of my competitors
(Mums at the School Gates)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">I have looked at my Nov/Dec budget and, as Christmas
has now been cancelled following my Son shouting ‘BUM BUM HEAD’ at a passenger
on a bus this morning, funds are available.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will assume that these can be reallocated to my wardrobe needs?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Finally, there is the issue of lone working during the
12 – 7pm shift, when I often find myself without play group or pre-school
support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whilst I am aware that there is
an On-call back up system if there is an emergency (phone my husband
persistently and beg him to come home early), I find this course of action
works only in rare circumstances. It is particularly ineffective when I use
terminology such as ‘I’ve just had enough’. Apparently there are no policies or
procedures currently in place to provide assistance in such a situation?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">To end on a positive note I would like to thank you
for the ‘Mum of the Month’ award I received after surviving a particularly
challenging baking session last week. It was nice to feel valued, despite not
having anything edible to show for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Kind regards Mrs. H<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">(under-fives division)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 106%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 106%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; line-height: 106%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span> </div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center">
<a href="http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/" title="Friday Frolics"><img alt="Friday Frolics" src="http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Friday-frolics-Badge.jpg" style="border: none;" /></a></div>
Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-15925253349292298812015-11-24T11:08:00.001-08:002016-03-07T02:26:45.193-08:00Parenting Helpline UK.<br />
<div style="background: white;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQK2rDM6z7l6_sRtVdxTDrmMWr-Vv0n_heDDrbCap3Ws4hTqOEQkwnLDVidIhofwSgZKBye4Ckzh_SdVcCuNfrwtlpFb9MEzOsbrE89XdzWzfl00mEGtffvyepNis_djbkfQp4R3gpbLV8/s1600/Help+lin+epic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQK2rDM6z7l6_sRtVdxTDrmMWr-Vv0n_heDDrbCap3Ws4hTqOEQkwnLDVidIhofwSgZKBye4Ckzh_SdVcCuNfrwtlpFb9MEzOsbrE89XdzWzfl00mEGtffvyepNis_djbkfQp4R3gpbLV8/s320/Help+lin+epic.jpg" width="233" /></a></div>
<div style="background: white;">
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Hello.
Thank-you for calling Parenting Helpline UK. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Unfortunately,
your phone-call is in a long queue. We receive a high volume of emergency
calls, particularly during school holidays and meal-times, so please be patient
and someone will be with you as soon as possible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Please
choose from one of the following options. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 1.</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> If you have just told a child they have ‘UNTIL THE
COUNT OF THREE’ but have no idea what to say next. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 2.</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> If you have banned all screens and now your children
are driving you crazy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 3.</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> If you wish to talk to a grown-up and have an actual
conversation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 4</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">. To hear a soothing voice count to ten and tell you
it's all Going to be OK. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 5.</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> If your child has just given up their daytime nap and
you require counselling. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 6</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">. If you are at a supermarket self-service check out
with your children, and you require urgent assistance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 7. </span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">If you need an emergency delivery of wine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 8. </span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">If you are trapped under a pile of laundry. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Press 0 to hear these options again.</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
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<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
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<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<o:p></o:p><br /></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
<br /></div>
<div align="center">
<a href="http://pinkpearbear.com/" rel="nofollow" title="Pink Pear Bear"><img alt="Pink Pear Bear" src="http://i2.wp.com/pinkpearbear.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Linky-Logo-Colour.jpg?w=255" style="border: none;" /></a></div>
Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-91472843891908995992015-11-04T12:11:00.000-08:002015-11-04T12:11:21.315-08:00I dont want to play anymore
<br />
<span style="color: #373e4d;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: #373e4d; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">'Let
me go over this one more time. </span><span style="color: #373e4d; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">THIS
is the car section, ok? Ok. Hang on a minute that’s a tractor? The farm area is
over there, do you see where I lovingly placed all the farm animals, into neat
little groups for you to play with? I know they are going for a lovely drive,
but they are on the train track. WHY ARE YOU BREAKING UP MY TRAIN TRACK?? Well
yes, of course TECHNICALLY it’s your train track but I’m the one that has spent
twenty minutes building it. Don’t you think it would be more sensible if the
Lego men were on the train (breath …count to 10 …) INSTEAD OF ON MY TRAIN
TRACK?!!!!' <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><span style="color: #373e4d; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="color: #373e4d; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">My
three year old: 'Mummy, do you need a Time Out?'</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="color: black;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-14675865626797513882015-10-30T06:17:00.002-07:002015-10-30T12:52:59.725-07:00'Try' Harder<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGrRFJmI0waVOVPozfqhtICzx6OZ7SutlNECCjRVKOv9dt7D4-iRA1_obKfGxBD_WGBSQS-MqfIyD9W_gvED9ElV2DR_b8mu7P6mkV7ZMcUiaia9qMTnms6mLt61XFMeW9p_WpNQriZQ0X/s1600/rugby+final+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGrRFJmI0waVOVPozfqhtICzx6OZ7SutlNECCjRVKOv9dt7D4-iRA1_obKfGxBD_WGBSQS-MqfIyD9W_gvED9ElV2DR_b8mu7P6mkV7ZMcUiaia9qMTnms6mLt61XFMeW9p_WpNQriZQ0X/s320/rugby+final+pic.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></u><br />
<u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mini
Rugby in the park<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘This was
NOT how it was meant to be!’ I say to myself as I push the double buggy towards
the park. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Plan:<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’ll spend a couple of blissful hours by
myself on Saturday mornings, catching up on housework (Watching Saturday morning
television) I will sign them up for a whole term of kids Rugby, and convince
their Father this is a wonderful bonding opportunity for him to have with his
children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The reality:<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I got over
excited and signed them up for THREE TERMS of mini rugby, only to be told by my
husband that he has to work EVERY Saturday for the foreseeable future.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am
wallowing in self-pity, when I glance at my children sitting in the buggy
wearing their Rugby kits and looking adorable. Maybe it won’t be that baa ..</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Arggghhhhhhh!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m thrown
forward with such velocity that I wish the buggy had been fitted with an
airbag.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My son has
reached up, and pressed the button on the handle bar that activates the breaks.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They think
this is the funniest thing that has EVER happened. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘I AM REALLY
SERIOUS!! DO NOT PRESS THE BREAKS AGAIN OR …’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They are
laughing so much they can’t hear me anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We finally
arrive at the group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The five minute
walk has taken approximately half an hour due to the number of unexpected emergency
stops.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I have whiplash.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Current status:</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"> Not coping. In the slightest.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Games
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All of the children are running in
different directions and displaying the same kind of indecision that's been
recently exhibited by the England Rugby team. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All the parents
are desperately trying to herd them in the right direction. I am shoved out of
the way by a fiercely competitive Father holding a crying child under his arm.
‘You never hear Chris Robshaw complaining he needs a rice cake in the middle of
a game do you?’ I hear him say.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m hungover
and the sound of twenty parents ‘encouraging’ their little angels at once hurts.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Another worn
out looking father runs past me chasing his son, who has taken another child’s
ball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He turns towards me looking like
he might cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘It’s been a very long
term hasn’t it?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I nod. It
has.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My children
have bolted in two different directions. My daughter has found a ball and is
running full pelt across the park. I hear her shout ‘TRRRRY!’ so loudly at a
woman walking her dog that she jumps back in alarm.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My son, really getting into the
spirit of things, has raced over to the other end of the park … and sat down. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I hear him
shout, ‘Mummy is it snack time now?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Luckily, at
that moment the coaches call all the children over for their favourite game.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Mr. Men.
Game<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mr. Fast -
all the children run as fast as they can in a circle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>MissChief lies on the floor to look at the
clouds.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mr. Slow - they
all run in slow-motion. MissChief finds a packet of biscuits in the back of the
buggy and hands them out to all the children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mrs. I’d rather be anywhere else?<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mr. Spin … my
son takes this as a cue to rugby tackle one of the coaches, nearly taking him
out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Mrs. Hungover
and over it?’ I say this last comment out loud by mistake and all the parents
look at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well this is awkward.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Kicking
practice<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Can you all
point to your ball?’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My son
points at a tree.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My daughter
points to her nose.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Now after
three, I want you all to kick your ball then score a ‘Try’ over here by these
cones,’ the coach informs the children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">One …Two
…Three <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘GO GO
GOOOOO!!’ I hear a Mum shout at her two year old son. He stands on the spot
picking his nose. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Jeeez Calm
down! Scary Mumzilla lady... He’s only a chi ….<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘NOOOO!!!’ I
see MissChief kicking her ball in the wrong direction ‘PICK UP THE BALL AND
RUUUUUUUUN.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NO NOT THAT WAY! THIS
WAAAAAY! COME ON! HURRY UUUUP!!!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The scary
Mumzilla lady looks at me as if to say<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>... ‘Wow!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">What’s
the time Mr. Wolf?<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘ONE O CLOCK,’
all the children take a tiny step forward<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘What’s the
time Mr. Wolf?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘ONE O CLOCK!’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are going to be here forever!<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘What’s the
time Mr. Wolf?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Is it beer
o’clock?’ I say out loud, laughing at my own joke.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Everyone
goes quiet and looks at me … Again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Don’t you
mean COFFEE o’clock?’ The Dad next to me asks whilst looking at his watch. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Hahaha, of
course!!’ I laugh nervously. ‘Yes. Coffee. Ha, ha! It’s way too early for beer!’
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Great everyone now thinks I’m an
alcoholic. Why can’t I keep these thoughts to myself! A cheeky G&T would go
down very nicely right now though!<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">The
Assault course.</span></u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">20 Toddlers ‘queue’
up to take their turn on the ASSAULT COURSE OF DOOOOOM.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The words of the Unmumsy Mum echo in my head.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“THIS SHIT’S
ABOUT TO GET REAL”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I get down
to his level and look my son in the eye. ‘It’s going to be tough out there.
Will you help your little Sister?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Yes Mummy
of course I will.’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Awww! He
really loves her.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He loves
winning more and sprints straight past her, nearly knocking her flying!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">MissChief
throws herself on the floor, distraught that her brother has run off without
her. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The next ten
minutes is a blur. There was screaming, pushing, biting, shoving … and an unfortunate
incident involving several children and a Mum stuck in a tunnel.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">MissChief, having
caught up with her big brother, is now holding onto his leg and refusing to let
go even though he is trying to kick her off him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He gives up and jumps over the hurdles with
her still holding on for dear life, her head bouncing on the grass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m secretly quite proud of their
determination as he drags himself to the line to score his ‘Try’, with her
still attached to his ankle.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s all
over and we head towards the gate. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They are
having an adorable little chat in the double buggy. I am feeling smug and
wonderful. Yes, my children will be rugby champions. I imagine myself in a new
dress looking positively radiant for the cameras …<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I suddenly
come to a grinding halt.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘My darling?’
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My son looks
up at me sweetly from the buggy. ‘Yes Mummy?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘STOP
PRESSING THE BREAK BUTTON!!!!!!!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-64056668595045279272015-10-10T06:11:00.000-07:002015-10-10T11:44:15.781-07:00The Tooth Fairy Is Having Issues <br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span></span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span></span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This post is
written by Ellie, can you tell we are Sisters?</span> </span></span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><u></u></span></span></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><u>The Tooth Fairy Is Having Issues</u></span></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My son got home from his first school
residential trip last night. While he was away his wobbly tooth, which had
steadfastly refused to budge for weeks, had chosen this time to finally come
out. Obviously the Tooth Fairy could not possibly be expected to know he was
away so he totally understood why she hadn’t left a £1 under his pillow in
exchange for the tooth. He wrote her a heartbreakingly gorgeous letter
(complete with a drawing showing her where he had been), explaining that it was
ok that she hadn’t come before and apologising for losing the tooth on his way
home. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, she was of course going to
visit without fail now he was at home.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At 7am this morning the Tooth Fairy
woke with a start and sat bolt upright in her little Fairy bed. Silently she
freaked out and tried not to wake the other fairies up. She regretted drinking
that wine with her fairy Husband last night. She had forgotten to do something
very, very important. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She searched madly through her little
purse. Failing to find anything there apart from receipts and fairy dust, she
checked her Husband’s wallet, and his trouser pockets, his coat pocket, his
shoes and all the other places he left keys and coins. She could not find any change.
All she could find was a £20 note. Her Husband looked at her aghast. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She flew in to my son’s room and managed to
find her beautiful letter, although she did have to dive quite dramatically
when he unexpectedly turned over to face her. But bless him, he was still
asleep after a few late nights on his trip. She slipped the £20 note under his
pillow and flew away back to her fairy bedroom.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Tooth Fairy could not believe that
she had given him a £20 note. I mean, she could not have his heart broken, but
£20???! What would this mean for future business arrangements with these
children? There was another little boy who lived in that house who hadn’t lost <u>any</u>
teeth…yet. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Global Tooth Fairy Economy
couldn’t possibly support such an unprecedented rise in repayments. What would
the other Tooth Fairies say when they found out?! They would never speak to her
again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She suddenly remembered a loose
change pot in her fairy kitchen. Time was running out. The boy’s brother was up.
Could she do it without being seen? She managed to get £2 worth of 20p’s and
wrapped them in a napkin. She flew back to the boy’s room and got ‘her’ £20
note back. She JUST got the little napkin bundle under his pillow before he
woke. The Tooth Fairy crept out of his bedroom on all fours.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“MUM! The Tooth Fairy has been!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She banged her head on the door frame
and managed to fly out the window back to fairyland just in time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This Tooth Fairy is considering resigning.
There is way too much stress in this job. She will talk to her Husband
immediately and hand over her wings. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<a href="http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/" title="Friday Frolics"><img alt="Friday Frolics" src="http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Friday-frolics-Badge.jpg" style="border: currentColor;" /></a>
Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-66354081303926172372015-10-05T13:44:00.000-07:002015-10-10T11:45:33.062-07:00 Odd Socks<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjud6dx3_WmDT4ubkiA7aUAi8hGGHKXxtLDQ-SJWKPAuLVq4H3fNpnB0clDCDwZ3juvbB_b-qZIu8HattLjW8ZUh-6rPV3wQUdZ2_JXB4uGQIaeoKNmRkNlAYWVfU7zD4Lt_1Px4G_x0CSK/s1600/ill+look+after+you+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjud6dx3_WmDT4ubkiA7aUAi8hGGHKXxtLDQ-SJWKPAuLVq4H3fNpnB0clDCDwZ3juvbB_b-qZIu8HattLjW8ZUh-6rPV3wQUdZ2_JXB4uGQIaeoKNmRkNlAYWVfU7zD4Lt_1Px4G_x0CSK/s320/ill+look+after+you+pic.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">We have just left the house. All of us
are wearing odd socks (In fact I think my son is wearing MY socks) we are late
for pre-school, I've forgotten the rain cover and I haven’t even had coffee
yet… It’s THAT type of a morning. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">It’s freezing and wet. Where’s the damn
sun gone?</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">‘I really should have remembered your
raincoat’ (I say to no-one in particular as I often do). My son who talks to my
daughter like my mother talks to foreign people… LOUD, over pronounced and VERY
slowly says ‘MUMMY FORGOT YOUR RAINCOAT! SHE REMEMBERED MINE... BUT NOT YOURS.’
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">She replies ‘Oh.’ </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">My Lil Man translates back to me
‘Mummy? She says she is FREEZING, ICE COLD and REEAALLY NEEDS her COAT’ </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">’Did she? Well, I think she will be ok
as we haven’t got far to go’ I reassure him.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Shaking his head he says with a very
serious look on his face ‘No Mummy She Won’t’ and then shouts (so loud that a
group of Mums with their quiet, appropriately dressed for the cold children can
hear.) </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">‘Mummy says you ABSOLUTELY DEFINATELY
CANNOT<b> </b>have your coat!” This triggers my daughter (who definitely
shares her Mothers sense of drama) to have a screaming outburst which involves
her crying ‘I’m COLD, I’m COLD!’ Over and over and over again. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Aware of the looks I’m getting, I panic
and play the snack card way too early in the day ‘Darling do you want some
raisins?’ She immediately stops crying.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I take a deep breath and reach into my
bag for ….Oh no …Oh NO… Oh NOOO!</span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Lil Man gets off the buggy board and
walks to the front of the buggy, he sympathetically puts his hands on his
sister’s shoulders and shouts inches from her face…</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">‘MUMMY HAS FORGOTTON YOUR RAISINS’. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Oh s**t!</span></i><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">MissChief bursts in to tears and
screams.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">‘Don’t wowwy I will look after you’ my
son says holding her hand.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><br />
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<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">Yes that’s probably for the best.</span></i><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "Helvetica",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/" title="Friday Frolics"><img alt="Friday Frolics" src="http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Friday-frolics-Badge.jpg" style="border: currentColor;" /></a>
Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-14116209429561504952015-09-26T05:40:00.001-07:002015-09-29T02:40:30.560-07:003 FOR 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsLRxYR-sesE89kv0N1bZ3ZoBvvXbTFuXtm7lzNXNs_DmIhzmLj6kjf-ykDvwvBku0zxPSnRalfPsDrk7ZgKEuzoYeK3ARwtWnTjFOL1N4h8_H6Jm3SyrK3LDEp9I-__JYPkZ5Y_VjGaYx/s1600/3+4+2+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsLRxYR-sesE89kv0N1bZ3ZoBvvXbTFuXtm7lzNXNs_DmIhzmLj6kjf-ykDvwvBku0zxPSnRalfPsDrk7ZgKEuzoYeK3ARwtWnTjFOL1N4h8_H6Jm3SyrK3LDEp9I-__JYPkZ5Y_VjGaYx/s320/3+4+2+pic.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><br />
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">It’s Friday! I’m standing in the
cosmetics aisle in Boots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am ALONE.
CHILDLESS. And mildly traumatized after dropping my screaming daughter off at
pre-school. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
</span></span></o:p></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘She’ll
settle in soon,’ they said … 3 WEEKS AGO!!<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">The morning
started productively enough. I sat in a café for an hour writing a list of the
things I need to achieve (as opposed to going home and actually doing them),
and drank an extremely motivating full fat cappuccino. With a teeny-weeny
chocolate brownie on the side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">And then I find
myself in the 3 For 2 section, looking at all the shiny boxes. I glance at my
tired reflection in one of the mirrors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Where
do I start?’ </i>I say to myself with a sigh.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I choose a
combination of youth enhancing day cream (OPTIMISTIC), light coverage
foundation (DENIAL), and enhanced anti-aging serum (REALITY), and head for the
till … grabbing an extra-large bag of Maltesers on the way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘I’m afraid
one of these products isn’t included in the 3 For 2 offer’, the shop assistant
says.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I look at the
growing queue of people behind me and race to swap the foundation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">Scanning the
products I pick up a pot of early defense cream, but put it straight back down
as I</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <span lang="EN-GB">realise</span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"> it is WAY too late for that.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">Exfoliator? Seriously? W<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ho’s got time for that s**t? <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I look back
at the line of impatient faces glaring at me. Arghhh!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I grab a
miniscule tube of ADVANCED eye cream, run back to the cashier and she scans the
new product.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘This one is not in the deal either!<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">’ <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">There is much tutting and sighing behind me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I can feel
my skin ageing from the stress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I run
back to the other side of the shop and grab a face peel kit … I am desperate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I hand it
over. Oh no. What does that look mean?!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘That one
DOES qualify, but you won’t get your free gift. Will that be ok?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘I don’t need a free giiii’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>... oooooooh. I spot the free gift
display.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dammit. I DO want that!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘I’ll be
right back,’ I say looking at the floor and rushing back to the cosmetics.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">As I return to the till for the
millionth time a customer standing behind me says, ‘Are you sure that’s what
you want?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">Hmmm, did I
detect a hint of sarcasm in that comment?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I pay and power walk to the exit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swear I hear someone clapping as I leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I look at
the receipt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘HOW MUCH’?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">S E V E NT Y P O U N D S!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">At least my
skin will look good during the divorce proceedings! I start walking away and
suddenly stop. Guilt takes over. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I wrap my
face with my scarf and skulk back into the shop, totally disguised. Or so I
think.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘YOU AGAIN?’
the cashier BOOMS across the shop.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">To the utter
horror of the waiting customers I am beckoned to the front of the queue<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘Maybe you want to serve these people
first?’ I ask sheepishly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">The woman
behind the till ignores me completely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘What’s the problem Madam?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">Now? Or with life in general?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘I would
like to return some of these’, I reply, emptying the bag on the counter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘Which
ones?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘All of
them?’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I whisper. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">She picks up the Maltesers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grab them back. ‘Apart from these’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I dare you!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">The
exasperated cashier scans each product back through, but the till doesn’t seem
to be working. She is getting more and more agitated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I can hear
two ladies behind me complaining very loudly about me jumping the queue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I lean
forward. Just to put a few more inches between me and ‘them’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘This
scanner is just not working<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>... let me
call the Manager to help’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I lay my
head on the counter. Kill me now!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I am about
to offer everyone a Malteser, when the refund goes through …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">I leave the
shop as quickly as possible. Without looking back!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘Great. That
was child-free time well spent,’ I say to myself as I march down the road. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">‘Onwards and
Upwards’ I sing in an over optimistic voice … Oh my God! Did I really just say
that? I sound like my mother!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span></span></span><br /></span><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 106%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
</div>
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
</div>
<div align="center">
<br /></div>
Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-90877043285257478012015-09-22T05:26:00.000-07:002015-09-29T02:46:39.262-07:00Daddy's Home<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixwmN3K1GPbjhKdLWsO8fqGzjX4ccG-hqTMGa-ag2o3GOS5XVbRa56fCyH4keYFhAR2v4U_txi56zsHu_Pqy-bGvldCkhmR_4x2_o3HhWrJqynB8YB_VUa0epU4TnLvT0rvmWQZK8dNGt3/s1600/LONGASAURAS+REX-page-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixwmN3K1GPbjhKdLWsO8fqGzjX4ccG-hqTMGa-ag2o3GOS5XVbRa56fCyH4keYFhAR2v4U_txi56zsHu_Pqy-bGvldCkhmR_4x2_o3HhWrJqynB8YB_VUa0epU4TnLvT0rvmWQZK8dNGt3/s320/LONGASAURAS+REX-page-001.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Its late afternoon, we were meant to leave the house over an hour ago
but I have been far too</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"> busy ‘tidying up’
(trying to extract toys from behind the radiator using a pirate sword,
unbelievably frustrating).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lil man is tired, bored and bouncing off the walls (onto the sofa). MissChief
has done THAT kind of nappy that goes up her back</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">. </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Yay</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">.</span></i><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She is running around the sitting room whilst I desperately try to pick
her up. I catch her but she </span><span style="font-size: 14pt;">manages to
wriggle free and grabs the curtain with her hands covered in Sh**.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘COME HERE darling let go of
....’ My little 'darling' looks at me and smiles sweetly before pulling the
curtain, which pulls the ENTIRE rail down with it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!’ This pushes
me somewhat OVER THE EDGE and I shout, loudly <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘NOOOOOO!! Come here RIGHT NOW!’ and at this
exact moment my son says,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Don't worry Mummy! Daddy's home’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don't even give him time to
put his keys in the front door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pick stinky
MissChief up (who's now crying dramatically) and I hold her at arm’s length. I
throw open the front door and I aim her towards him …<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘PLEASE!! Just Take Her’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Obviously so alarmed by all
the shouting and the crying child covered in sh** being held inches from his
face, he doesn't say anything for a second or two. THEN he speaks…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">‘Erm hello, I'm just knocking on a few doors
to talk about the wonderful work we do at the N.S.P.C.C. </span><span class="tgc"><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The
National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children’<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span class="tgc"><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Ground.Swallow.Me.Up.Now</span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lil man who’s standing next to me says ‘YOU are NOT my Daddy
ARE you’</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Except the ‘ARE you’ sounded like…’<i>ARE you??</i>’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I can’t speak …</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Eventually, I give him my best Mary Poppins smile and inform
him I do a lot for charity, wish him good day then slam the door.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Quick!’ We ALL run to the window, huddle together and peer
out to make sure he’s gone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I pray he
doesn’t trip over the recycling box that is overflowing with beer and wine
bottles as he walks up the path (2 weeks’ worth AND we had people over
ok??) <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He trips over the recycling box as he walks up the path.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Of course he does.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-52410482282487843402015-09-12T02:09:00.000-07:002015-09-28T11:47:26.870-07:00Weekly Dinner Menu<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp-fc0W0nAmn5AEvNlhHznNdyp9CvzC-z-66-hKsswz5rAB55FbkxzCUe2Q_G36s6dN84-rzFCy45jfmMdNOoAAaaAzG-N4xXCRhwon8r03lLg0BMyKtSSv-FmkpE6w2FeyY2lhtkcgC6L/s1600/A+Karmel+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp-fc0W0nAmn5AEvNlhHznNdyp9CvzC-z-66-hKsswz5rAB55FbkxzCUe2Q_G36s6dN84-rzFCy45jfmMdNOoAAaaAzG-N4xXCRhwon8r03lLg0BMyKtSSv-FmkpE6w2FeyY2lhtkcgC6L/s320/A+Karmel+pic.jpg" width="303" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">(For the kids.)<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">MONDAY </span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">– <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><em>Chicken Stew.<o:p></o:p></em></b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well! I
might as well put myself forward for ‘parent of the year'award.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am coping.
I FLIPPING SLOW COOKED.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">TUESDAY</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">– <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pasta with Pesto</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Annabel
karmel book I used yesterday is now being used as a door stop.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">WEDNESDAY</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"> <em>–
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><s>Spaghetti Bolognese</s><o:p></o:p></b></em></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh wait ….No
onion or mince …. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Or
Spaghetti.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">WEDNESDAY (revised)<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Zizzis<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">THURSDAY – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Macaroni & Cheese with Peas <o:p></o:p></i></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">In Ready
meal form<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">NOT COPING.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">FRIDAY – <em>Salmon & mash with broccoli.<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Omega 3,
vitamins. WINNING. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ungrateful
children throw food all over on the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">FRIDAY – (revised) <o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Cheese on
toast.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">SATURDAY – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Beef Wellington with Wild Mushroom & Celeriac Puree<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Daddy
cooked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">SUNDAY </span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">– <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rice a la Krispy avec milk et le
banana</i></b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am so very
tired Annabel Karmel.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://myrandommusings.blogspot.co.uk/p/blog-page_9.html" title="My Random Musings"><img alt="My Random Musings" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWgnwIpztz4rJBOj5l6tH1FWgEaicZH0rf4seY94kn2orKhGqVmkMqOlbST3VDscvoaTSO9Rez8uslPmbc_MMOXXn1p8ztWpe8CXjSXbZlZylil5ABNaribXLXBF2-ByM1HD80-Ts8pHk/s1600/Anything+Goes+linky+badge.jpg" style="border: currentColor;" /></a></div>
Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-57911648355899795382015-09-11T05:57:00.001-07:002016-09-11T07:01:11.636-07:00Dear Cbeebies<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Dear Cbeebies HQ,</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Re: RUMOUR THAT CBEEBIES IS BEING AXED </span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">I am writing to you, as I have had no luck getting through to your
help-line that has been engaged since 6am. I can only imagine that other
parents are starting to hear the news? Is it true? Please tell me it isn’t
true.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">My children have been in the <s>care of</s> watching Cbeebies
programs since they were just a few months old. What am I supposed to
tell them? That Boj was lying when he implied ‘the fun will never end?’
That Lucy’s neglectful Mum has FINALLY noticed that her daughter climbs out of
her bedroom window every night? Also, I know she is just a character but that
little neurotic girl and her spider! How will she cope?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">I just asked my children ‘Would you be sad if there was no more Cbeebies?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">They replied ‘Shhh Mummy we are watching Cbeebies.’ if that
doesn’t tug at your heart strings then nothing will.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">I would like to take this opportunity to thank Nina and every one
of her Neurons because without her dinner time just wouldn’t be possible. Oh
and Mr. Bloom if your reading this? I’m loving your work.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">If in fact there has been a mistake and you are only
making changes to the channel, then I can highly recommend getting rid of Peter
Rabbit or Andy’s Dinosaur adventures. I find them really quite scary. We are
also ready to say good-bye to Iggle Piggle and his strange little friends as
their hypnotic powers no longer work on my children. May I suggest handing the
‘bedtime hour’ over to Ruff Ruff, Tweet or perhaps Dave? </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">I would also suggest that there is never a good time for Yogo? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">I really
appreciate you taking the time to read my concerns. I have just heard the theme
tune to 'I Can Cook' which means my kids are hungry. I must ask one
more thing before you make this decision, please imagine the thousands of
tantruming toddlers protesting on the steps of your offices.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">I look
forward to your prompt response.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Yours
sincerely<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">Mrs. H.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br />
<o:p><br />
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-50131317361653307072015-09-04T04:49:00.001-07:002015-12-24T15:11:16.719-08:00Spa Day<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5LRR4s4QISfTu33sLKmlnBNhxv3AKujZoezbNVHj4wBnuAehSdhlyeDJhAJHFXQv_D2Bh9fPu8hEK5T8z8WNlO34mNheSc8hvDMoDRi6nZg5ENIE21hcICGLenxxPAkt3QW9MJaZyKtzM/s1600/spa+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5LRR4s4QISfTu33sLKmlnBNhxv3AKujZoezbNVHj4wBnuAehSdhlyeDJhAJHFXQv_D2Bh9fPu8hEK5T8z8WNlO34mNheSc8hvDMoDRi6nZg5ENIE21hcICGLenxxPAkt3QW9MJaZyKtzM/s320/spa+pic.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></u></b><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mama Zen go for a Spa Day<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ellie’s
birthday was coming up, so the Mama Zen sisters booked a much deserved Spa Day.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Planning on
having fun without my children is obviously against the rules, so the misbehavior
begins from the minute they wake up. My youngest, MissChief, cries theatrically
and holds on to my ankle as I get ready to leave and grab my stuff, almost
forgetting to pick up my sister’s present. I pretend not to notice my son
writing his name on the fridge door in ketchup. My husband tells me to have fun
as I wave goodbye. Was that fear I saw in his eyes?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Good luck
darling’, I sing as I dance out of the door.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As I
approach the station I see Ellie rushing towards me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Hurry up. Our train goes in 2 minutes!’ she
says, shoving a coffee into my hand. ‘I am seriously hung over’, she adds.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Sitting on
the train she spots the pretty little gift bag in my other hand. ‘Ooh. Is that
for me?’ As I am about to give it to her, I</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> realise</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"> with horror that I haven’t put her actual
present in the sodding bag! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I try to
hold onto it, but she manages to prize it out of my hand, peers inside and
laughs. ‘Err, it’s a really lovely gift bag Lydia … but there’s nothing in it?’
‘At least I’m here??’ is all I can offer. Luckily she finds it hilarious. I’ll
give her the present for Christmas.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">We arrive in
town and</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <span lang="EN-GB">realise</span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"> (with no great surprise) that we are going to be late. I
have waited FOUR years for this! Where is the bloody place?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A discreet venue, we walk past the Spa
several times before noticing the small gold plaque on the wall. As we finally
make our way in we are very much in need of some serious relaxation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ellie is
hurried in to her massage, so I decide to check out the state-of-the-art gym. Hmmm
where do I start? The Jacuzzi. Definitely.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Half an hour
later Ellie finds me, she’s sleepy and relaxed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She lies on a bed by the pool and I go for my massage.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This. Is. Amazing.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am soooo
relaxed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ouch! Ok.
That hurt a bit, but I’m sure that’s totally normal.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ouch!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘You have so
many knots down your spine. I’m just going to increase the pressure a bit. Tell
me if it’s uncomfortable’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘ARGHH!’
That’s 4 years of carrying children.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘OUCH!’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She releases
the pressure a bit (thank God). I actually start to unwind. Suddenly, out of
nowhere, she starts karate chopping me? This can’t be right? Make it stop. Please
make it stop! Owwwww!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Right!
That’s your massage finished.’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>I might
never walk again</em>.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘I hope you feel really relaxed now?’</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">No! Why do you hate me?<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">What I
actually say is.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘That was so
lovely, I feel like a different person! Thank you so very much.’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My ninja
masseuse gives me the usual aftercare advice, before leaving me to get dressed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘You should
probably try and avoid the gym for today’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I put on my
best disappointed expression ‘I’ll try’.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I meet Ellie
back in the spa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sit on the end of her
bed and lean forward ‘Did your masseuse actually hit you?’ I whisper <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘WHAT HAHA
NO? I MEAN A SLIGHT KARATE CHOP AT THE…’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Shhhhhh.
Never mind!’ I interrupt as I notice a few quizzical looks aimed in our
direction.<span style="color: red;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I sigh
happily as I lie down on a bed opposite my sister. With my eyes closing I say,
‘This is the most relaxed I have felt for a VERY long time. And I feel like I
can switch off because the kids are in such good hands. Scott is so capable’.
At this exact moment I receive a text from my husband, who is at the local play
group.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOUR daughter has only
just stopped crying! YOUR son is having a screaming tantrum, because the pink
wafers have run out and there’s only bourbons left. It’s ok though, I’m sure it
will get easier. It does get easier doesn’t it? Please tell me it gets easier?
If it doesn’t, then this church hall is going to be filled with grown man’s
tears...<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Great.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I try and switch
off from this text and we go sit in the Jacuzzi. We spot a couple smooching in
the pool. ‘They really need to get a room’, I say to my sister as they emerge
from the water. They return 5 minutes later.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘I BET
THEY’VE BEEN SHAGGING!!’ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ellie shouts at
me …. just as the noise of the Jacuzzi cuts out. Everyone hears. Everyone!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Mortified we slowly disappear under the water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When they leave, we jump out and go back to
our beds by the pool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pick up a
magazine. What luxury! We lie there for about an hour before Ellie gets into
the beautiful, dimly lit, tranquil swimming pool. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A couple of
minutes later I hear a quiet scream from the middle of the pool. She has been
joined by a man who is thrashing violently with each stroke, sending me into
hysterics. Every time I compose myself he flails past and covers me with water,
which sets me off again. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ellie has
now been joined by another swimmer, who is kicking equally vigorously from the
other direction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Totally surrounded,
she’s now crying with laughter. And slightly drowning at the same time. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am doubled
up and unable to do anything. Hardly able to breathe she makes it to the side and
hangs on for dear life; just as another man dives in. Wearing flippers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Help!!’ she shouts, burying her head in her arms
‘HELP!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It takes us
ages to recover. We seriously have the giggles and decide that all this ‘exercise’
deserves Prosecco. We leave the pool area and as we pass the Jacuzzi I slip and
fall right over the WARNING sign. I jump up, compose myself and smile. I grab
Ellie’s hand and pull her to the changing rooms. Why is it always me?!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Of course we
both manage to lose our towels after our shower. Walking around the changing
room with our robes wrapped (in)elegantly around our heads we are surrounded by
‘beautiful’ women, parading themselves like they’re on a catwalk. Perfectly
manicured and actually wearing their robes they look at us in horror. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Let’s get
the hell out of here and go get a drink’, whispers Ellie.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘You are not
my sister for nothing, flipping love you’ I grin.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
'T<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 19px; line-height: 20px;">axi!'</span><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/friday-frolics/" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Friday Frolics"><img alt="Friday Frolics" src="http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Friday-frolics-Badge.jpg" height="200" style="border: currentColor;" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Linked up with #fridayfrolics</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-15301683677199094212015-09-01T11:07:00.001-07:002016-01-27T05:32:35.169-08:00Painsburys Local<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNLmwVtZZxmKa_ip_6Ydkx7TaG94lKfjuF6XKd2_vG-j2u_-4IDngl-4S2J4MP3fsjY2hgmf7P9VoBg-RjVgPesNQ5fjgMkVzEqzelpw37DiM837TcHv1GH7ZDLIRPhRw9spJoAk4DNH3g/s1600/Sainsburys+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="262" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNLmwVtZZxmKa_ip_6Ydkx7TaG94lKfjuF6XKd2_vG-j2u_-4IDngl-4S2J4MP3fsjY2hgmf7P9VoBg-RjVgPesNQ5fjgMkVzEqzelpw37DiM837TcHv1GH7ZDLIRPhRw9spJoAk4DNH3g/s320/Sainsburys+pic.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br /></span></span>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">PAINSBURYS
LOCAL 4.30pm – My third visit today.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><br />
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I push the
buggy through the automatic doors and within seconds I make eye contact with a
Mum on her way out. She has a bag of shopping and a crying toddler in each
hand, her face is bright red and her shoulders are up by her ears, through
gritted teeth she says to me <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: large;">'Good luck
in there’.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Anxious
now, my mind flashes back to an episode of 'Supernanny' I watched four years
ago, I need to get down to my children’s level and tell them what I expect from
the shopping trip. I will then engage them in fun activities like ‘Who can find
a yellow fruit?’ Right!! I turn towards them.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Where the
f**ck are they?</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">My son has
taken charge of the basket trolley and is driving it enthusiastically down
Aisle 1, my daughter is running alongside desperately trying to get a tub of
humous in there and is getting more and more worked up …She REALLY loves
humous. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">CODE
RED … CODE RED.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Too late
she has thrown the tub of humous and herself on to the floor and my
son is helping to block the aisle with the trolley. No-one can get past
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lift MissChief (Who is sobbing ‘My
humous!’ over and over again) and somehow manage to strap her thrashing
self into the buggy. I take the trolley from my son and get a basket.
I promise myself I will do an on line weekly shop from now on.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">‘Mummy? Do
you need cucumber?’ My Lil man asks sweetly. ‘No thank-you’ I say.
‘Ok then Mummy I will go and get cucumber' and he walks off purposefully. </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">He returns with his arms full of cucumbers and drops
them into the basket, happy that he has finished his shopping he jumps on the
buggy board and announces he would like to go home RIGHT NOW. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Unable to
hang the basket off the buggy I am now having to push the basket (full of
cucumbers) with my foot.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Aisle 2, there is someone restocking the tinned fruit
so I can’t get past.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Aisle 3, I grab some pesto and pasta
and try and head towards the checkout but its 4.30 in the afternoon and there
is a crowd of harassed looking Mums chatting near the fish finger section,
the only other way is the wine aisle so I don’t stand a chance. I take a short
cut down the sweet and chocolate aisle and as I do, drop a king size bar of
dairy milk into the basket on the floor with Ninja like speed so they don’t
notice. They notice.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">‘Mummy
what’s that?’</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">‘Just a
packet of vegetables darling’ </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">They look
at me suspiciously as we reach the SELF SERVICE CHECK OUT. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">‘THERE IS AN
UNIDENTIFIED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA' my son is sitting ON the bagging area
grinning at me. On top of the basket of cucumbers I notice five pepper pig
lollies and a random avocado. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">'PLEASE
REMOVE ITEM FROM THE BAGGING AREA' I pick him up and he wonders off to the
self-service next to us where a child-free lady is calmly purchasing her goods
without any need for assistance.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">'PLEASE
REMOVE ITEM FROM BAGGING AREA' Jesus! I move him from her ‘bagging
area’ and apologise. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">'UNIDENTIFIED
ITEM IN BAGGING AREA'</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">This machine wants me to have a breakdown</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">'DARLING' I
say through gritted teeth 'the machine doesn't work if you lean on it. PLEASE
STOP IT! </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I scan the
Pesto.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">'PLEASE WAIT
FOR ASSISTANCE' </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Why machine do you hate me?</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I turn as
I hear a stressed mother saying to her child in a fierce whisper 'Stay off
the bagging area or the machine will get very angry'<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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</div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">‘ARE YOU
USING YOUR OWN BAG?’<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">In hysterical whisper ‘No I DO NOT have my
OWN bag’</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">My son is
saying ‘Mummy Mummy Mummy?’ as he is feeding coin after coin that he has found
in the buggy pocket into the receipt slot.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I am ON .THE .VERGE and search for a brown
paper bag to breathe into.</span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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</div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">'PLEASE
WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE' I want to shout at the machine to ‘Shut Up’ but my son is
now feeding my library card into the slot and is STILL trying to tell me
something.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">'Don’t
worry Mummy, we can get fish and chips and sit on the green’ </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The boy is
a genius, I turn to my suspiciously quiet daughter ‘What do you
think?’ </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Through a
mouthful of Pepper Pig chocolate complete with shiny wrapper she smiles ‘Let’s
go Mummy.’</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">As we
abandon the crazed machine and apologetically hand our weird basket of
shopping to a shop assistant we race towards the exit. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">She laughs
and calls after me...'Bye Lydia see you tomorrow!’ </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-45824441185758167652015-08-17T05:57:00.001-07:002016-03-28T05:39:30.919-07:00Rainy Day<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_WP8GtJGRJ-coJMacfREK3w7hhsQEKq7xXBOdl3ZGnEqlXUuIsZTgICVmdo_3NFX6bVvGcB4ByPq4qdN_LlprTDUTRK_64qt3LGT_qKf7iGH7tNvvQBtFUdBhXfWbaBw65pEbTaeaFxDv/s1600/Rainy+day+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_WP8GtJGRJ-coJMacfREK3w7hhsQEKq7xXBOdl3ZGnEqlXUuIsZTgICVmdo_3NFX6bVvGcB4ByPq4qdN_LlprTDUTRK_64qt3LGT_qKf7iGH7tNvvQBtFUdBhXfWbaBw65pEbTaeaFxDv/s320/Rainy+day+pic.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">DEN BUILDING<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The brief<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">To construct
a Den that is indestructible, yet comfortable. The Location is important but not essential, as long as the property is
in ‘THE WAY’ then they will be happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
client’s dislike period features, so sloping or low ceilings are unacceptable.
There must be enough living space, so they can live separate lives (never have
to share toys).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both living areas must
have IDENTICAL fixtures and fittings (or they will freak out)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The clients
only plan on living there for 5 to 6 minutes, but the den must be built to last
forever. Under NO circumstances should the den structure collapse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only reason they are moving, is so they
can pull the den down themselves and then get REALLY upset about it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">FIRE ENGINES<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The question
I dread to hear from my son.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">‘Mummy will
you play fire engines with me?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I look
pleadingly at my two year old daughter who is backing towards the door shaking
her head and saying ‘uh uh no noooo’ She is still recovering from ‘Playing’
Fire Engines with Lil Man yesterday.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I look back
at my little boy, who looks up at me with his big blue eyes and says ‘I’ll play nicely
Mama. I promise!’ whilst fluttering his eyelashes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I’m
unconvinced but tentatively sit down on the floor next to him and remind myself
of his rules.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">THE RULES<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Don’t touch my fire engine EVER.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Don’t touch ANY of the fire engines
unless given permission to do so.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Once a vehicle has been allocated to
me I must always FOLLOW and NEVER over take, regardless of the seriousness of
the emergency.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I must await instructions from Fire
Man <s>Bossy Boots</s> Sam before I can do or say anything.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">IF and this is a big <u>IF</u> I pass
the initial training (Sit still and DO NOT touch anything whilst occasionally
saying ‘WELL DONE FIREMAN SAM’ or ‘YOU CAN DO IT’) Then and ONLY then will I be
given the honor of wearing the Fireman’s helmet (For literally a second). <o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I was
allowed to save a cat from a tree once, but I suspect that was just to keep me
quiet, whilst he put out the real fires.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I nervously
reach for the Fire engine he has put in front of me<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">‘NO MUMMY
DON’T PUSH IT PULL IT!! NOT YET!! STOP MUMMY! WAIT THERE! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">‘MUMMY PLAY WITH
MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">HIDE AND SEEK<o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I’m barely
breathing. Just my feet and bottom of my legs are visible from below the
curtain, I’m perching on the windowsill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>‘DON’T MOVE A MUSCLE’ I tell myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">ONE... TWO …
THREE … FOUR… SIX… EIGHT …FIVE’ they count to ten.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I’ve bought
myself three seconds, maybe four. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I can just
about make out MissChief lying on the floor with a small sofa cushion on top of
her, everything except her left arm is visible, and she’s giggling ‘IM HERE
MUMMY IM HERE HAHA YOU CANT FIND MEEEEEE.’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">My son is
sitting in a toy box holding a pirate sword over his head, thus rendering him
completely invisible.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I really
want to explain to them AGAIN that they don’t need to hide if they are the
‘seekers’ but I daren’t draw attention to myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">‘COMING
READY OR NOT’ they chorus whilst staying exactly where they are.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">I use this
precious time to myself to text my friend Emma.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br /></span></span></i></b>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Sent 9.36 AM</span></span></i></b><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Current status: It’s
raining and I don’t want to play anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Location: I’m hiding
behind a curtain. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Mood: Patience critical<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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</div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Reply 9.40 AM<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Current status: My son
is pushing spaghetti into the gaps in the floor boards.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Location: Hiding behind
a clothes horse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Mood: Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> '</span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 19px; line-height: 20px;">I FOUND YOU
MUMMY!! Will you build a Den with me?’</span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Dammit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-6931355753196977542015-08-05T05:06:00.001-07:002015-08-08T09:12:18.495-07:00Quarantine Day 4<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Opjs0ngPKKr3x-C7qcI6aByWUuh0ElmOUvGcR1JBGr_AfizprYjd6k-4hbneN2ilMHNPcViyM-hY37vj2fYlOMfqiJQjQvOodhysQPQA_cro9XuecF0NSS5ucKU0XmjEtGHmiHjB2gTq/s1600/Chickenpox-page-001+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9Opjs0ngPKKr3x-C7qcI6aByWUuh0ElmOUvGcR1JBGr_AfizprYjd6k-4hbneN2ilMHNPcViyM-hY37vj2fYlOMfqiJQjQvOodhysQPQA_cro9XuecF0NSS5ucKU0XmjEtGHmiHjB2gTq/s320/Chickenpox-page-001+%25281%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Quarantine
Day 4 in the Chicken Pox House</span></u><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Cabin Fever – A state characterized
by anxiety, restlessness and boredom, arising from a prolonged stay in a remote
or confined space.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Biscuits consumed</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">: 301<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Hours of CBeebies viewed</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">: 5</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Times I have called my Sister</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">: 32<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Time out of the house talking to
ACTUAL other HUMAN BEINGS</span></b><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">: 0<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">FIVE O’CLOCK
THIS MORNING I am woken up with my son shouting inches from my face.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘WAKE UP!!
YOU’RE not well. You need me to examine you. OPEN YOUR MOUTH AS WIDE AS YOU
CAN. SAY AHHHHHHHHHHH’</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘ARGGGGHHHHHHH!
What have you put in my ear? Stop stabbing me in the eye.’ I can see he’s holding
his toy Doctor’s kit in one hand and what looks suspiciously like a torture
implement (but is in fact a plastic thermometer) in the other.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘You are
very ill Mummy. You should go back to sleep right away,’ he says whilst sitting
on my chest and forcing my eyes shut with his hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My husband
is still sleeping soundly. I whisper to my son, ‘Daddy told me he’s got a bad
foot and needs an examination right away’. He jumps on him and shouts, ‘Daddy!
Mummy says you have a bad foot. I MUST look at it right now!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Damn.
Busted.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="5yl5"><span style="color: #141823; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">After an hour of repeatedly returning our Lil Man to bed,
only for him to re-appear in our bed minutes later, I give up and we go
downstairs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lie him on the sofa and MissChief
walks over with the first aid kit, strokes his head and says, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll
look after you.’ She then sticks the play syringe in his eye and he screams.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="5yl5"><span style="color: #141823; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I</span> confiscate the
doctor’s kit and give him a big cuddle so he stops crying. ‘Are you feeling
better my darling?’ I ask him. My son’s face crumples and he cries, ‘I WANT
TOPSY AND TIM’S MUMMY TO LOOK AFTER ME’<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="5yl5"><span style="color: #141823; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I really hate that woman!<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">After four days
in the house nursing my son, who has Chicken Pox, none of us are sure where CBeebies
ends and reality begins anymore. I find myself in the kitchen singing the theme
tune to ‘Justin’s House’ but I’ve changed the words to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">‘Stuck in the House dadadada.’ </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My 3 year old walks in and asks 'Mummy? Where does thunder come from?' I hesitate just long enough for him to say 'Don't worry, Ill ask Mr. Tumble'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then
something TERRIBLE happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The screams
(mine) can be heard in the next borough.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">MissChief has
found the remote control and has somehow re-programmed the TV. (How do they do
this? I can just about manage to change the volume!) CBeebies is no-where to be
found and I am seriously considering letting them watch ‘Homes under the Hammer’
when Lil man runs to the ‘DO NOT EVER GO INTO THIS <u>EVER</u>’ drawer, gets out a
screw driver and turns intently towards the TV shouting, ‘CAN I FIX IT? YES I
CAN’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Stay Calm. Count to ten. Breathe. </span></i><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">‘Its fine my darling. WE DON’T NEED
TELEVISION’. I mentally calculate the hours left in the day to fill before
their bed time … and shudder.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Let’s do
the new Lego set now?’ I suggest aware that I am pulling out the 'big guns' way too early in the day.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He looks at
me suspiciously, and drops the screw driver on the floor. ‘But Mummy, Daddy
said you will lose all the pieces and I shouldn’t let you near it?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He has a
point, but I ignore him anyway, sit down and empty all the pieces onto the
table. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I make a start on the twelve
pages of instructions. ‘Mummy? Can I play now?’ ‘Sure my angel,’ I say
distractedly as I hand him the EMPTY box. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I construct
one tiny piece at a time, which is unbelievably satisfying. ‘I am loving this!’
I tell my son, who is sitting with his back to me and sulking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘We just need to find the VITAL missing piece
that holds the whole thing together.’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Is it the
one MissChief has in her mouth?’ he asks grumpily.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As I
dislodge the missing piece from her mouth we all agree it’s probably best if I
play with the Lego once they have gone to bed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Let’s play
Doctors!’ my daughter shouts excitedly, having found the confiscated Doctor’s
bag that I clearly did not hide as well as I thought I had! She is now holding a
toy syringe in one hand and the screw driver in the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a split second I swear I see Chucky
standing before me. My son screams and bolts for the door. OH GOD! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I grab the
screw driver and go and give myself time out in the kitchen. Time out equaling
two custard creams.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Can we play
with the play-doh mummy?’ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promise
myself that I will NOT react when they squish all the brand new, brightly
coloured play-doh together into a big brown blob.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I walk back
in to find MissChief balancing precariously on her trike so she can reach the
TV and clean it with her toy broom.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My 3 year
old surveys the room filled with emptied out boxes of toys and says to me, ‘I
really think you should tidy up Mummy'.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Demoralizing
to say the least.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Resignedly I put
Postman pat on Netflix and pick up the phone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Me: ‘Hello?
I’m very sorry but I am going to have to finish my shift early. There is
faulty equipment, I cannot continue to work under these conditions. Would you please
organize immediate cover?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My husband: ‘Lydia,
it is only 10am and I’m trying to work. Can you please STOP calling me?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Me: ‘Fine.
I’ll call an agency. Good-bye!’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I hang up
and walk to other side of the room and fall dramatically onto the sofa where my
children are sitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Do you need a
doctor Mummy?’ <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Yes, I
think I do’, I reply as I notice the two pieces of Lego embedded in my foot.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Don’t worry,
I’ll look after you’, my daughter says, stroking my face adorably.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-54784823277100452572015-07-21T00:57:00.001-07:002016-03-21T06:16:05.612-07:00Send Help<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieDVDWmva5gyDokaVvKJTnZKrDnQ1jx0DcCqRsBS4pLLpwwBbFEGQbBdo05X9b-9-WGfu5vPI2vvbkdB-oLC8qLkHGxvUEqtuagDD6aZ-at3raRzZ6jYidC7Xlj_9Ffwpd-URt7aAZpzXs/s1600/Send+help.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieDVDWmva5gyDokaVvKJTnZKrDnQ1jx0DcCqRsBS4pLLpwwBbFEGQbBdo05X9b-9-WGfu5vPI2vvbkdB-oLC8qLkHGxvUEqtuagDD6aZ-at3raRzZ6jYidC7Xlj_9Ffwpd-URt7aAZpzXs/s320/Send+help.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">A transcript of text messages sent between
myself and a friend of mine who shall remain nameless *coughs* Emma </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Received from Emma at 8.44am</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Day 1174. My captors woke me at
5.30am this morning. They have exposed me to a sophisticated torture
method involving persistent whining and the endless repetition of a song about
a builder named Bob. He is the one they call upon to ‘fix’ things.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The younger captor is sleeping, but I’m
afraid to take this opportunity to escape for fear of repercussions from the
authorities. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Later they are taking me to gather
provisions. This may involve stopping at a place they call Costa (or possibly
H+H).</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Send word if you can meet me. If you do
not hear from me again, tell my Mother I love her. She is a ‘survivor’
from an earlier regime …. She will understand x</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Reply 9.13am</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I too have been taken. I was cruelly
dragged from my bed at 5.45am. My captors are waiting for a man they call
‘Postman Pat’ to make a special delivery, and then I am being sent to a
facility known as ‘Little Fishes Soft Play’. I can’t begin to imagine the
subtle methods of torture that they employ there. I am truly terrified.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I will send for you as soon as I have
found means to escape. Stay strong. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I have to go …..They are coming.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Received 9.23am</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I fear your treatment is far worse. I have
heard tell of this place called ‘soft play’. </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The ‘Childminder’ has informed me that I
must attend her house this afternoon for a ‘meet and greet’ with the local
Police service - Code for something sinister I’m sure. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Good luck Comrade.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Sent to Emma 8pm</span></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I have failed in my attempts to escape,
but my captors are becoming sleepy. I will meet you in a ‘safe house’ as soon
as I can. There is one nearby called ‘The Swan.’ We will be looked after there.
I must warn you that my appearance is quite shocking. They have not allowed me
to shower or sleep for days. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span lang="EN-GB" style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">If
I don’t make it I will send help in the form of my friend Dr. Vino. He can be
trusted, but it is dangerous for him to stay too long. I pray that you
have made it. </span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://pinkpearbear.com/" rel="nofollow" title="Pink Pear Bear"><img alt="Pink Pear Bear" src="http://i2.wp.com/pinkpearbear.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Linky-Logo-Colour.jpg?w=255" style="border: none;" /></a></div>
Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-31665501932131415332015-07-12T23:54:00.000-07:002015-07-12T23:54:54.502-07:00Cubicle of stress<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiblu95reEd8xMPgcG-q7-WgN7eLchaTrfYN__JK_hvXpGRuUTxaGgBH3ZYW-fUThe2YsHW2yiWz8JRhgIkBY7PpGaOzr-1Cr0FcocuVhU76ociK_Po_eL6Itkjzhhc6N1cIfLovvQJnKpd/s1600/001+Automatic+Door+system.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE2fn6Wd29gL-e5OHwEfELmAY-dIEuiiZNZhC43N6UfLYvOFveuD7WT0lMR4Fn_fN8T7EiI_-liMoPFMDrUMF3Hn5rV9_2o2Z-PkF9BzaJCGMY3AOrmBAB7I8VAPYhXRa_bV8Q9TwfjEkL/s1600/001+Automatic+Door+system.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE2fn6Wd29gL-e5OHwEfELmAY-dIEuiiZNZhC43N6UfLYvOFveuD7WT0lMR4Fn_fN8T7EiI_-liMoPFMDrUMF3Hn5rV9_2o2Z-PkF9BzaJCGMY3AOrmBAB7I8VAPYhXRa_bV8Q9TwfjEkL/s320/001+Automatic+Door+system.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<u><o:p><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></span></o:p></u> </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Automatic Toilet Door Systems.<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The
Supermarket toilet and changing cubicle Approx. 3x3 centimeters. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Are you
flipping kidding me? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Great in
theory, not great if you have kids who physically shake with the willpower
required to follow the ‘DO NOT PRESS THE BUTTON, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ rule.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">MissChief
and Lil Man in unison ’Yes Mummmmy’ whilst batting their eyelashes adorably and
PRESSING THE BUTTON REPEATEDLY. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our door
is opening and closing continuously so the shoppers who have now started to form
an orderly queue outside, can see into the CUBICLE OF STRESS.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I say to my
son ‘Hurry arrggh! Go for a pee and I’ll change your sister’s nappy... if I can
just find her changing mat’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As I’m
searching under the buggy, he pulls his trousers down and goes for a pee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I take MissChief out of the buggy and the
whole thing falls backwards with the weight of the shopping hanging from
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m so busy trying to deal with the
carnage, I don’t notice my son is washing his hands in the basin next to him and
peeing all over the floor until it’s too late. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The buggy
hits the handryer on the way down. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">THESE
DEVISES CANNOT HAVE BEEN TESTED ON THE UNDER FIVES! The noise akin to a jet
fuel engine in such close proximity sends my daughter into a full blown screaming
meltdown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wraps her little arms around
my neck and won’t let go, her nappy is around her ankles.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The buggy is
on the floor that is now flooded with the (still running) tap water and urine. My
Lil Man has managed to shuffle his way to the door with his trousers still
around his ankles.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He is saying
MUMMY, MUMMY over and over again and then presses the button for the 20<sup>th</sup>
time! I Flip Out and shout ‘WHAT IS IT?’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The door opens slowly revealing a line of
shocked elderly shoppers (I swear one of them actually let out a little scream)
they are not used to such scenes, it is WAITROSE for goodness sakes!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘I love you Mummy and you are so beautiful’ my
son says as he spots a packet of biscuits poking out of one of the carrier
bags. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am SO
impressed by his Oscar winning performance that I hand him a biscuit and shove
one in my own mouth and get the hell out of there before the guilt and
embarrassment threatens to swallow me up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As I race
towards the exit I bump into a shopper and he says ‘What ARE you doing? ‘<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Shaking my
head I say ‘I really have NO idea sometimes’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘Sorry’ he says ‘I was talking to my daughter’.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-69660549475599057212015-07-01T05:48:00.001-07:002015-07-01T05:48:35.625-07:00Heatwave<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeWQHJQZuFf-Evi_YEkH25ne9z4Vl160VkSNfIPRlF5StMkDXl3OqFL9m_GuLsf1lIuXCdFm0AQpvzs69endo6EgCidt38cnoS3xJHSQdyzHWS7MncjEYS7G8MXaAyymCnkhnRM6wXbXCf/s1600/SUN-page-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="287" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeWQHJQZuFf-Evi_YEkH25ne9z4Vl160VkSNfIPRlF5StMkDXl3OqFL9m_GuLsf1lIuXCdFm0AQpvzs69endo6EgCidt38cnoS3xJHSQdyzHWS7MncjEYS7G8MXaAyymCnkhnRM6wXbXCf/s320/SUN-page-001.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Dear Board of Parenting,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It is with great sadness that I hand in my resignation as a parent, I cannot possibly work under these hot weather conditions. The constant whinging, unwanted sun cream applications and meltdowns have become impossible to manage. I have thought long and hard about this decision but after my son emptied the paddling pool out(after I had spent half an hour filling it up with a mug) I have been left with no other choice. I feel I would be better placed on a beach in Barbados.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Kind Regards</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Mrs. H</span>Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-58647311586444616632015-06-27T03:37:00.000-07:002015-07-07T00:42:47.477-07:00Health and Safety<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhojeUpnO8Wv_3vTSrat9lM_jwvxhyphenhyphennmYmSmtgXziYhNqly4EwNeY_JUoEmUlnQxGwKoFQcS1-49Oyb_jJo7Zb6EWqHLzDA3RavpR1lzntW1puIp3Hds_ucRaa00iU_rATgxZGRSH9D8gXB/s1600/20150627_070635-1+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhojeUpnO8Wv_3vTSrat9lM_jwvxhyphenhyphennmYmSmtgXziYhNqly4EwNeY_JUoEmUlnQxGwKoFQcS1-49Oyb_jJo7Zb6EWqHLzDA3RavpR1lzntW1puIp3Hds_ucRaa00iU_rATgxZGRSH9D8gXB/s320/20150627_070635-1+%25281%2529.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">The kids are playing happily behind the sofa. Suddenly my sons head pops up to reveal he has swimming goggles on, he then lifts his hands which are inside oven gloves. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I laugh 'What ARE you doing? And where is your sister?'</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">'Don't worry Mummy, I'm just potty training her'</span>Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6862172305556370054.post-51164279794844300452015-06-05T05:47:00.000-07:002015-09-17T04:49:53.884-07:00WLTM<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />
<o:p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif;">Local Mum of
two under threes WLTM like-minded parents for occasional park visits and ‘play
dates’. You must not be too attractive, have children that meet all
their milestones or sleep past 6am etc. You must not expect me to socialise
past the hour of 7pm or speak coherently about anything on the news. </span><span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;">
<u1:p></u1:p>
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif;">Mothers with
full-time Nannies, those that drive or have ever uttered the words 'It Gets So
Much Easier' need not apply. </span><span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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</span></o:p> </span> </span>Mama Zenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07907254738760620695noreply@blogger.com0